Like a brick wall

Last night was terrible. My life is a mess and pretty chaotic, but I've never let it get to me before, but it's all coming to a head now.

Blake won't be here before the wedding. After graduation he is officially stationed in VT at his college. Which means he won't be able to come home for the two weeks between graduation and the wedding. He'll also be away two days before and most of the day of the wedding rehearsal. We can only pray his flight doesn't get delayed along the way.

It is terrible that he has to find a place to stay for two weeks, when his friends (except one) will all be home with their families. He really won't have anything to do up there but twiddle his thumbs and think about how awful the situation is. But it is my problem too, not just as someone who cares about him, but as someone who is planning his wedding. He won't be able to do any of the things I was counting on him for. And we won't be together in the days leading up to our wedding. He got a bit offended when I told him he would have to come home for a couple days to get a marriage license. But how many times have I driven to and back from Vermont?

Blake and I just have to stick together and we'll be all right, but right now, it's pretty overwhelming.

The Mayhem

27 Days until Pure Happiness

Moving is scary. Today during my break I did some research on moving... every expert advice-giver starts their plans at 8 weeks. I have about 4... whoops.

I don't even have packing boxes. The very earliest we can rent a truck is May 22nd and if we can, we'll probably be moving the next week. Wow. I'm trying very hard to be panicked and angry, but I'm not. It's kind of exciting.

Shopping Helps

28 days until Pure Happiness

Went shopping with my mom today. It had its stressful points, as all days with my mother do, but overall.... success! My mother found two dresses she likes for the wedding. Yes, she does already have one, but she feels that it makes her look old and fat. Frankly, it does. So now she has two new dresses. We've all decided on one, basically. It makes her look thinner. The other option makes her look young and fun. So...she can be skinny or young.... choices, choices.

I am trying to expand my summer clothing stash. Moving to a warmer climate is putting a damper on my deep and abiding love for sweaters and pants. Capris and tanks cannot compete with a comfy, bulky sweater and flannel socks. Wow... that made me sound really old.

I have one more weekend before all Happiness breaks loose. All of my time from here to the wedding is booked solid. Meetings, last minute stuff, graduation, and the big fun project... packing.

Now, I do love to pack. I have the heart of an organizer, even if I don't practice it all the time. But packing up everything? For college, I packed all of the stuff I care about... which is about 50% of my belongings. Yeah, I have that much useless crap in my life. This time Blake and I will have household things too... pots, pans, dishes, napkins, etc, etc.

Blake's packing is easy. His room at home is already cleared and converted. His stuff is stored in a few boxes in the garage and the room is sunny yellow and ready for guests. His stuff at school would have to be packed up anyway and really, there's not that much... after all, he does have a roommate in his one-man-room so there was no room for extras (except that whole two TV, two gaming systems thing).

My stuff is everywhere. My room is a nuclear waste zone and the wedding shower gifts have turned my hallway into a warehouse. It's hard to be bitter about packing though when I'm so lucky to have all this great stuff....

Actually, not all of it is that great. For example, when I was 13 or 14 I bought a Wheel of Fortune handheld game. It has a little keyboard and a little screen... it's uber-fun. I haven't played it for at least 5 years. Yet each time I clean my room... I can't bring myself to throw it out. Wheel of Fortune game. Not that great.

I have numerous books which I read only once due to the fact that they are complete rubbish. "Hilarious little Howlers." Not that great. A paperback copy of "Comedic Relief." Not that great. The biography of Simon Cowell.... not bad, but definitely NOT that great.

What do I do with all of this stuff I want but don't want? I would like to leave it all behind and start out with a new life to clutter up. But to do that I have to let go of my memories, my crappy, old and useless mementos that I don't want anymore.

That's it. It's all going. What's the rule... if you haven't used it in a year or two throw it out? I'm making a new rule. If I don't use it, I toss it. That should eliminate at least 35-50 percent of all the dusty relics I'm holding on to.

Yeah, I've made this rule many times before.

More Out Than In

More out of control than in today. An all-around busy time. Work is crazy today with plans for tomorrow's luncheon... well, let me rephrase that, I am busy with the work for tomorrow's luncheon. I don't mind though, there have been quite a few days where I end up making up jobs for myself to keep busy.

Yesterday all of the candy came for the favors! YAY! It's a lot of work, but I really enjoy it and they look nice (I think). My mom is helping me in small ways, not 'cuz she's lazy, but because I am a firm believer in the ole' "If you want it done right... yadda yadda yadda." And I don't mind doing it myself.

Today is the second dress fitting. I can't wait. My sister, mother and two nieces and I are going. Our dresses will hopefully fit perfectly, but we'll see. Every time I put my dress on, I love it, but a day or two later, I start to think that maybe it wasn't as wonderful as I thought. It's all happening so fast!

So, this is pretty difficult

My grandmother is home from the hospital, but "bittersweet" is an understatement. She enjoys being home, but has to be under constant watch. My aunt, my parents and my sister work in shifts to stay with her. My grandfather doesn't hear well so wouldn't be able to tell if she was choking or stopped breathing. Wonderful.

But the day is beautiful and warm. Today is a special day for Blake. The tri-service awards ceremony at Norwich. He is getting one (possibly two) awards. The definite award comes with a sword... ooo-la-la.

I have zero excitement for my own graduation, as I left school in December. My parents want me to go and it will be nice to get a free gift and a free cap and gown that will sit in my closet for roughly thirty years. It would probably make a nice decorative throw or perhaps a matching set of potholders.

The Last Weekend

Trying to have fun despite the problems in life. My grandmother hasn't worsened exactly, but the doctors give her six months. She's coming home tomorrow. Hopefully she'll be more comfortable. I know my grandfather will be.

I was in Wal-Mart when I got the news. I don't know how many miles away from it all. The doctors sat down with all of my grandmother's six children. I cannot imagine it. The crying was probably out of control.

No time is a good time for bad news, but if there was... this weekend. I was up at Norwich from Thurs. night to Mon. morning and it was a ridiculously good time and a great way to celebrate graduation. They only have two more weeks of classes left and then a week of finals. Then commissioning and graduation.

It Probably Won't Get Easier

I visited my grandmother yesterday. She looks so much better. Her eyes are open, she's moving normally and she ate lunch yesterday. But the problem is really inside. Yesterday, the doctors finally diagnosed a stroke. Her personality is the same, but her memory is not.

She asked where my cousin was three times, a cousin who has been dead for more than five years. Later, when I told her I had to leave, she said, "yeah, we better get going." and she took the blankets off and fully intended to come with me. My mother told her that she'd better wait because she was having more visitors later. My grandmother agreed that she should wait there.

The doctor said she would need long-term care. My aunt wants to bring my grandma home to her house, but what about my grandpa? He is completely lost without his wife and understandably so. They've been married for 61 years. Their anniversary was the first full day she was admitted to the hospital. Unfortunately, it was also the day we all had the least hope.

My grandparents met in early December and instantly liked each other. They got engaged on Christmas eve and were married in April. My father, the oldest, was born a few years later and five more children followed.

My grandmother has the best laugh... makes the best cookies... and always enjoys life to its fullest.

Thankful?

Even though almost no one that I'm referring to is reading this blog, I really need to thank my family and friends.

It's been one of the most difficult weekends/weeks of my life, of all of our lives.

Though my grandmother seems to be more stable, the doctors still do not know what is wrong with her. They have been testing her since Friday night. Saturday was the worst. She seemed to be in a deep sleep. We could hear her breathing stop for a few seconds every ten breaths or so. Sunday and Monday she spoke and could move. She could open her eyes, though things are very blurry. She is confused sometimes, about who people are... people she has known her whole life, people she has given life to.

Now, she is back in a deep sleep. Who knows? She may come out of it at any time.

It's difficult to keep hope. But we have family. Even though we fight sometimes, when things get tough, we all know who will be there. Like my cousin told my uncle when they hugged for the first time in years, "life's too short."

I'm still planning on visiting Norwich from Thursday to Sunday. Part of me needs to go... to be with Blake and just have someone who completely understands me. The other part of me is scared to go anywhere.