I am on the next-to-last day of my Christmas vacation back in New York. It was wonderful and ... worrying I guess. I mean, everyone is getting older. My parents, Blake's parents, everyone's parents.
My grandparents seem old, like ... old. My mother's mother looked so thin and pale this holiday and no one told me that my other grandma has become more confused. It's really scary, but she still has a positive attitude and recognizes everyone (for the most part).
But I had a great Christmas. I decided that this holiday I would be the person I've always wanted to be, openly grateful for time together and helpful and positive. A big crack in my plans occurred when my brother decided he wasn't coming down for Christmas. He worked in the morning, so we watched my niece and nephew and they had dinner with us. By presents time, both he and his wife were out of work. She came down and he did not.
I know it's not that he didn't want to see any of us. He just lets his worries completely engulf him. Then he feels bad for taking it out on other people. Anyway, I did end up seeing him and hugging him twice. We did convince my grandma to come for Christmas, but he couldn't be persuaded.
Anyway, Blake and I did have a great Christmas vacation. I got to spend time with my parents, his parents and got to see the French family and spend time with a dear friend of mine, Lorae.
It was very sad, saying goodbye to my parents yesterday. So I'm watching The Office to cheer myself up. The British version, because I could use some dirty humor.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
So Weird
I have never woken up so disoriented in my life. I think it was because it was hot last night and I had two drinks before I went to sleep... I tell you, alcohol is the devil.
Anyway, my dreams were a series of very random places and people from every conceivable part of my life, all smashed together, interacting and looking the same as they did when I knew them, but different somehow. It was so weird.
It all started with Blake and I going back to Vermont for something. We were going to a specific inn that we had gone to when we were in college and at first we were in separate cars. I led and missed our exit. Then we were together and going up the Sugarbush Access Road. This road actually exists and people, it is beyond a dirt road. It has ruts and holes that make it look like a giant cheese grater. It wasn't raining, but it had been the night before and water was running down the road, making it muddy. I asked Blake if we would be okay using this road and he acted like it was a stupid question.
So, we arrived and things just deteriorated so fast. It was winter and almost everyone at the inn smoked. I would see them each of them outside at one point or another, smoking in the snow. But the most disturbing thing was that Blake was cheating on me and (be prepared to laugh) the woman was a grey-haired, overweight, elderly (but very nice) lady. But though she was old and chubby, I knew that when the door was closed, she was young and hot. The thing is, Blake kicked me out of the room to be with her. So, that's the gist of the dream. There were a lot more, even stranger, details.
The second dream was of me telling Blake about my first dream.
The third dream was the disorienting one. I was going home for Christmas and decided to fly into NYC to see my dear friend, Lorae. I knew she was going to be at a place called The Writing Center (yes, like the one in college). So, I headed over there, went in, and it's set up kind of like the pit of a newsroom. Lots of desks and papers and extremely noisy. So, I know she's going to be there around 10:00. I go to the front desk, gave them my name and the receptionist said I had an appointment for that very minute, with the guy at desk #17. So I took this as an opportunity as I actually had some of my writing in my backpack with me. But the guy at the desk wasn't ready for me and he was very rude.
Here is where it starts to be confusing. As I was going out to the waiting room, a guy called out to me. He was my Victorian Lit professor in college. I waved back and as I sat down in the waiting room, my high school Earth Science teacher came bursting in the door. He was frantically explaining to me how sorry he was that he had given me the wrong information about health insurance. I told him I already had health insurance, but he kept going on and on about it. Lorae came in, but was late for her appointment. I told her to call me when she was done.
Then I went outside. There was a bench around a tree and sitting on it was one of my friends from high school, a girl I used to work with and a girl I met in Pensacola. It was getting dark, but my watch said it was only 10:30am. We all chatted, my dad called on the phone (and I could see his end of the conversation). Then, this really strange, Clockwork-Orange-like parade of ten people went by. Then, a funeral with no less than six coffins being carried by policemen in turn of the century uniforms. Then, three weddings ended and the people came crowding into the street from three different churches up and down the street. Some of the groomsman came over and among them were Henry Winkler, a guy from TV and my old gymnastics teacher.
It was getting dark out and I still didn't have a place to stay because I was hoping Lorae would let me stay with her. So, the recepionist came out and told us how cold it was and that we should come inside. So, I did. But she wasn't just offering a warm place until they closed, she was offering a place to crash for the night. She takes me to this small room, filled with homeless people. I said thanks, but I hoped to have somewhere else to sleep that night. She looked at me like she'd heard that story before.
I went back outside and Lorae finally came out of the center. She was wearing a very silver, puffy, dress, ankle boots and had hair straight out of the 70s. She told me she had to get across town and I asked if I could walk with her. She didn't seem to care so we walked. As we walked, the city kind of melted away into countryside, which confused me. I asked what area of the city we were in, but she only mumbled incoherent answers. Two women caught up with us. They had getups like Lorae's and they looked like back-up singers for Donna Summer or something. I realized that these women were two of my friends from high school. So, we caught up and all walked together.
Lorae told me she had to get to the Mattel theme park for therapy. I didn't know why you would need to go to a toy park, but I told her it was probably good to get all that anger out. Then, I realized that's why she wasn't enthusiastic to see me. She didn't want to admit she was in therapy. So, she went off in her own direction and I picked up my phone to make a call only to find that I was picking up a conversation.
It was two men and I immediately realized it was between one of my uncles and Lorae's scumbag ex-boyfriend (two cheating jerks). They were talking about my uncle's girlfriend. It was completely surreal. So, I took the train home even though it was so late.
Home was awesome. Beautifuil snow, Christmas decorations, cookies and my parents (of course). My mom had a huge stack of magazines that had been sent for me. It was late so I went to sleep.
Then, I woke up, literally and I did not know where I was. Thinking it was still a dream, I discarded Syracuse and home as locations and finally realized it was Pensacola. I reached for Blake and he wasn't there. I thought maybe he went to pick me up at the train station or that he was downstairs (at my house) having breakfast. Then, I realized he was at muster. That's when I realized it wasn't a dream. It was the strangest feeling ever.
Anyway, my dreams were a series of very random places and people from every conceivable part of my life, all smashed together, interacting and looking the same as they did when I knew them, but different somehow. It was so weird.
It all started with Blake and I going back to Vermont for something. We were going to a specific inn that we had gone to when we were in college and at first we were in separate cars. I led and missed our exit. Then we were together and going up the Sugarbush Access Road. This road actually exists and people, it is beyond a dirt road. It has ruts and holes that make it look like a giant cheese grater. It wasn't raining, but it had been the night before and water was running down the road, making it muddy. I asked Blake if we would be okay using this road and he acted like it was a stupid question.
So, we arrived and things just deteriorated so fast. It was winter and almost everyone at the inn smoked. I would see them each of them outside at one point or another, smoking in the snow. But the most disturbing thing was that Blake was cheating on me and (be prepared to laugh) the woman was a grey-haired, overweight, elderly (but very nice) lady. But though she was old and chubby, I knew that when the door was closed, she was young and hot. The thing is, Blake kicked me out of the room to be with her. So, that's the gist of the dream. There were a lot more, even stranger, details.
The second dream was of me telling Blake about my first dream.
The third dream was the disorienting one. I was going home for Christmas and decided to fly into NYC to see my dear friend, Lorae. I knew she was going to be at a place called The Writing Center (yes, like the one in college). So, I headed over there, went in, and it's set up kind of like the pit of a newsroom. Lots of desks and papers and extremely noisy. So, I know she's going to be there around 10:00. I go to the front desk, gave them my name and the receptionist said I had an appointment for that very minute, with the guy at desk #17. So I took this as an opportunity as I actually had some of my writing in my backpack with me. But the guy at the desk wasn't ready for me and he was very rude.
Here is where it starts to be confusing. As I was going out to the waiting room, a guy called out to me. He was my Victorian Lit professor in college. I waved back and as I sat down in the waiting room, my high school Earth Science teacher came bursting in the door. He was frantically explaining to me how sorry he was that he had given me the wrong information about health insurance. I told him I already had health insurance, but he kept going on and on about it. Lorae came in, but was late for her appointment. I told her to call me when she was done.
Then I went outside. There was a bench around a tree and sitting on it was one of my friends from high school, a girl I used to work with and a girl I met in Pensacola. It was getting dark, but my watch said it was only 10:30am. We all chatted, my dad called on the phone (and I could see his end of the conversation). Then, this really strange, Clockwork-Orange-like parade of ten people went by. Then, a funeral with no less than six coffins being carried by policemen in turn of the century uniforms. Then, three weddings ended and the people came crowding into the street from three different churches up and down the street. Some of the groomsman came over and among them were Henry Winkler, a guy from TV and my old gymnastics teacher.
It was getting dark out and I still didn't have a place to stay because I was hoping Lorae would let me stay with her. So, the recepionist came out and told us how cold it was and that we should come inside. So, I did. But she wasn't just offering a warm place until they closed, she was offering a place to crash for the night. She takes me to this small room, filled with homeless people. I said thanks, but I hoped to have somewhere else to sleep that night. She looked at me like she'd heard that story before.
I went back outside and Lorae finally came out of the center. She was wearing a very silver, puffy, dress, ankle boots and had hair straight out of the 70s. She told me she had to get across town and I asked if I could walk with her. She didn't seem to care so we walked. As we walked, the city kind of melted away into countryside, which confused me. I asked what area of the city we were in, but she only mumbled incoherent answers. Two women caught up with us. They had getups like Lorae's and they looked like back-up singers for Donna Summer or something. I realized that these women were two of my friends from high school. So, we caught up and all walked together.
Lorae told me she had to get to the Mattel theme park for therapy. I didn't know why you would need to go to a toy park, but I told her it was probably good to get all that anger out. Then, I realized that's why she wasn't enthusiastic to see me. She didn't want to admit she was in therapy. So, she went off in her own direction and I picked up my phone to make a call only to find that I was picking up a conversation.
It was two men and I immediately realized it was between one of my uncles and Lorae's scumbag ex-boyfriend (two cheating jerks). They were talking about my uncle's girlfriend. It was completely surreal. So, I took the train home even though it was so late.
Home was awesome. Beautifuil snow, Christmas decorations, cookies and my parents (of course). My mom had a huge stack of magazines that had been sent for me. It was late so I went to sleep.
Then, I woke up, literally and I did not know where I was. Thinking it was still a dream, I discarded Syracuse and home as locations and finally realized it was Pensacola. I reached for Blake and he wasn't there. I thought maybe he went to pick me up at the train station or that he was downstairs (at my house) having breakfast. Then, I realized he was at muster. That's when I realized it wasn't a dream. It was the strangest feeling ever.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Christmas
Let's take stock of the first adult Christmas I've ever had, shall we? The apartment looks ... bare. I have a collection of ornaments, but Blake forgot his box of his ornaments at his parents' house. It's a pitiful display. We have two strings of lights and a holiday wreath. Christmas is my favorite, but you wouldn't know it to look at the apartment. The shame I feel is weighing me down like cement blocks chained to my ankles as I'm kidnapped and rowed into the middle of a lake. Then this guy named Tony tosses me in and I'm swimmin' with the fishes. Except I can't swim because of the blocks. Yeah.
But that will all change when Blake and I go home on Saturday. I think that this whole "all grown up" thing has had the complete opposite effect on my mother. She got a real tree, has been baking Christmas cookies like it's going out of style and bought a whole truck load of holiday-themed stuffage. Like cookie platters and... I don't know... Martha-type stuff. Presentation is key.
It's going to be a different world when I go to NY. First of all... can I tell you that it's in the upper 60s today? No need for a coat or pants or a hat. So, there will be snow. But that's only the tip of the changes-iceberg.
-My niece Sadie is a person now. She's about one and a half now and was really dragging her A on saying real words. I leave for Florida and a week later, I kid you not, the kid has entire sentences to say. Figures, right? I hope she remembers me.
-Also, my parents have a new dog. A golden lab named Sunny. He is a typical lab. Which is to say he's big, clumsy and kind of dumb. Should be interesting.
-I'm married. This is my fifth Christmas being with Blake and each year before, we spent Christmas Eve/morning with our respective families and Blake came over for Christmas lunch at my house. So, this will be the first Christmas night we'll be together. Except Blake doesn't believe in Santa Claus. But that's okay because I believe enough for both of us.
I love Christmas. I can't wait to see my family and friends (that means you, Lorae). I am so so thankful to God for all He has done this year. It's been so full of changes. Good and bad ones. But I'm happy and Blake is happy and so, I suppose all is right with the world.
But that will all change when Blake and I go home on Saturday. I think that this whole "all grown up" thing has had the complete opposite effect on my mother. She got a real tree, has been baking Christmas cookies like it's going out of style and bought a whole truck load of holiday-themed stuffage. Like cookie platters and... I don't know... Martha-type stuff. Presentation is key.
It's going to be a different world when I go to NY. First of all... can I tell you that it's in the upper 60s today? No need for a coat or pants or a hat. So, there will be snow. But that's only the tip of the changes-iceberg.
-My niece Sadie is a person now. She's about one and a half now and was really dragging her A on saying real words. I leave for Florida and a week later, I kid you not, the kid has entire sentences to say. Figures, right? I hope she remembers me.
-Also, my parents have a new dog. A golden lab named Sunny. He is a typical lab. Which is to say he's big, clumsy and kind of dumb. Should be interesting.
-I'm married. This is my fifth Christmas being with Blake and each year before, we spent Christmas Eve/morning with our respective families and Blake came over for Christmas lunch at my house. So, this will be the first Christmas night we'll be together. Except Blake doesn't believe in Santa Claus. But that's okay because I believe enough for both of us.
I love Christmas. I can't wait to see my family and friends (that means you, Lorae). I am so so thankful to God for all He has done this year. It's been so full of changes. Good and bad ones. But I'm happy and Blake is happy and so, I suppose all is right with the world.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Faith
Faith is one of my favorite words. There are others, related, like hope and trust. Like optimism. But faith is key.
I have been running low on faith lately. I've had an empty optimism, a false front.
But, after lots of thought and long prayers, I'm getting my faith back. Thanks to my family. My dearest friend, Lorae. Most of all, God.
I have been running low on faith lately. I've had an empty optimism, a false front.
But, after lots of thought and long prayers, I'm getting my faith back. Thanks to my family. My dearest friend, Lorae. Most of all, God.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Christmas Trees
My whole world is topsy-turvey. My parents bought a real Christmas tree this year... they haven't had one of those since before I was a teenager. The issue's always been somewhat of a hemorrhoid on my Christmas-behind, but I'm willing to let bygones be bygones... as long as they save a few decorations for me! My brother has always been a huge proponent of going all out for Christmas. He drags his family through our woods and in search of the perfect (and often gigantic) Christmas tree. You know what he did this year? He went out and bought a 6-foot, white, plastic monstrosity and he has the gall to call it a Christmas tree. I suppose I shouldn't judge before I see it, but I scoped out a similar model at Wal-Mart yesterday. Let's compare, shall we?
This....
versus this....
Seriously, Jason. What are you thinking?
Blake and I aren't getting one this year because we're going home. We are going to buy one after Christmas, though, for next year. He's become quite the bargain hunter. It's heart-warming, really it is.
I didn't know what to expect out of Christmas in Florida. There are a surprising number of cut-your-own-tree farms around. It's really awesome. My great-grandfather had a Christmas tree farm and we still have his hand-saw. The lights around the city are kind of sad, though. It's not anyone's fault. Everyone means well enough, but Christmas lights don't look the same without snow. I put up a couple strings (one blue, one white) around the apartment. Plus there is one on the Christmas wreath.
Christmas things make me happy.
This....
versus this....
Seriously, Jason. What are you thinking?
Blake and I aren't getting one this year because we're going home. We are going to buy one after Christmas, though, for next year. He's become quite the bargain hunter. It's heart-warming, really it is.
I didn't know what to expect out of Christmas in Florida. There are a surprising number of cut-your-own-tree farms around. It's really awesome. My great-grandfather had a Christmas tree farm and we still have his hand-saw. The lights around the city are kind of sad, though. It's not anyone's fault. Everyone means well enough, but Christmas lights don't look the same without snow. I put up a couple strings (one blue, one white) around the apartment. Plus there is one on the Christmas wreath.
Christmas things make me happy.
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